Recently, I’ve found my job-schedule to be...let’s say “diverse.”
I have an 8am-5pm job a few days per week at my local hospital, as well as the occasional on-call/casual shift in a different position. I teach private music lessons on my porch on Fridays from 1pm-6pm. I deal blackjack at my local casino on Thursday nights from 7:00pm-2:15am. I play piano for a show (at the same casino) on Friday and Saturday nights. I’m living a weird life, currently.
I’m certainly not complaining about my work – I’m very lucky to have this much work during the pandemic, and I’m fortunate to live in a location that now allows live music/performances. Plus, I recognize that there are PLENTY of people in this world that work longer hours, weirder schedules, and more strenuous jobs. But this is the first time in my life that I’ve juggled this type of schedule, and I’m definitely not used to it yet.
The main issue I’ve been having with my sleep is that I can’t seem to find a pattern. My casino jobs put my brain into “night” mode, and I want to sleep-in until around 10am or 11am. But that conflicts with my day jobs, so I have to re-adjust to that schedule at the start of each week. On paper, it really doesn’t seem like a big deal as I type it out. But for my depressed brain, it really has been affecting me. And it makes me have more of an appreciation for shift workers, in general.
So, what is the general impact this has had on me? I spend almost all my alone-time in bed. Or, most of it, anyway. When I’m around people, I seem upbeat and chatty. And I AM happy to be talking to people. But the moment I enter my home (regardless of the time of day or night) I simply pick up my cat and hide under the covers of my bed. God love that creature. Her name is Rooster, and she’s been so good for calming my nerves. But that’s a blog post for another day.
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my bed. At most points of the day, that’s really the only place I want to be. Even if I’m having a great day, there is still a small part of my brain that wants to curl up under the covers and hide from the world. Normally, I can hold this at bay by making sure I get the right amount of sleep each night and by taking care of my depression. But now that I have no regularity in my sleep schedule, I just can’t seem to fight it. I know that I will eventually find a decent balance, and I’ll be able to regulate this pattern. But for now, I’m just trying to not judge myself too critically, and I’m slowly starting to reintegrate some healthier habits. And of course, my weekly therapy sessions help a lot. As well as having a supportive partner, friends, and family.
So – why am I telling you this? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not alone with this struggle. Again, on paper, I recognize that this doesn’t seem like it should be so difficult. But for anyone with an underlying mental health condition, changes like this have a significant impact. There are only two pieces of advice I can really give to anyone struggling with this type of issue:
1 - Try your best to spend time with others (COVID regulations pending, of course). Even if you don’t want to make social plans – make them. You WILL feel better once you are around others. And the better you feel, the less you’ll be pulled toward being in the fetal position when you’re alone.
2 – Don’t be afraid to say “no” to things. I know this seems contrary to the first piece of advice. But if you cannot handle your current schedule, it’s time for you to make some changes. If there are things you CAN say "no" to, then do so. This doesn’t mean that you should just cancel your life. You still need an income. You still need human connection. You still need to eat. But you also need to be realistic.
I hope this little note helps even just one person realize they aren’t alone. That’s the main goal of these blog posts. I would also like to thank my readers for all their feedback and support after my posts. It’s been truly inspiring to be able to start conversations about depression, and mental health in general. Keep breathing. Keep communicating. Stay safe.
With love, Stephen