Picture this: you get into a confrontation with someone. Maybe with a stranger, a friend, a family member, your partner, or a colleague. They say things. You say things. Neither side gets real resolution.
Later in the day, you’re doing something mindless (taking a shower, doing the dishes, etc…). You replay that conversation in your head, but you “WIN” the confrontation this time. “WHY DIDN’T I THINK TO SAY THAT EARLIER???”, your brain will ask. Does this sound all too familiar?
Enter today’s topic: rumination. We ALL do this, in one way or another. It’s a natural way for your brain to work through stress, frustration, and confusion. Inherently, it isn’t a bad thing. It’s a way for you to think about how you could have done things differently, and possibly learn from your mistakes.
However, there is a dark side to rumination: future prediction. Let’s talk about it, shall we?
Future-Prediction - what is it?
Man, it’s a damn good thing that my brain’s “future” essentially never comes true. This is something that I used to really struggle with. I would imagine full conversations in my head, hashing out some point of contention with another person. I would FINALLY get to say that thing that will put them in their place! Or at least, that was the intent - to play out hurtful scenarios in my mind, so that I didn’t actually hurt the people around me. This is a HUGE part of depression, and many other mental health issues. The longer your mental scenario plays out, the worse you tend to feel. You just get angry. Or sad. Maybe even more confused. And the worst part? You often direct those feelings toward the other person in real life. So the next time you talk to that person, you’re angry with them. It’s similar to having a bad dream about someone, and waking up angry - fuming about it. But this feeling tends to persist, until you actually address it, and analyze why you’re feeling this way.
This type of rumination creates a real distortion of your emotional and cognitive reality. Up until around 2 years ago, this type of thinking completely dominated my life. My emotions and my opinions of others rarely reflected the real world around me. But I kept allowing my brain to indulge in this behaviour, because I thought I was “working through my problems.” But the problem was, these conversations weren’t being guided by my rational thoughts. That’s a key distinction between healthy and harmful rumination. The harmful variety tends to happen on auto-pilot, without checks and balances. So all your insecurities will subconsciously seep into the conversation.
So, how can you stop it?
Future-Prediction - how to control of it
After a decent amount of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), I was able to start getting a handle on this around 2 years ago. I will point out that I’m by NO MEANS qualified by any certification to be teaching CBT. If you’re struggling with mental health issues, I urge you to seek help from a licensed therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. It helps - in small and big ways. And they will tailor this process to your specific situation.
With that out of the way, I’m going to tell you the steps that I took to start controlling, and eventually eliminating (almost...it still creeps up from time to time) this dangerous form of rumination.
1 - Write it down
This is going to be a common talking point for all my mental health posts. Writing down your thoughts does 2 very important things: it slows down your mind, and it forces you to be conscious of the dialogue. Allow yourself to play out the scenario, but write down (or type) the conversation as you’re imagining it. Writing it engages your mind in a conscious way, instead of allowing it to go on auto-pilot. You’d be surprised how different your scenarios play out when you do this. I found that when I was in the habit of writing out my scenarios, it even had a massive impact on my ruminations when I wasn’t able to get to pen and paper in time. You’ll slowly start to shift the way your brain handles these inner dialogues, and they will become less hurtful in nature, over time.
2 - The “squeeze” trick
Ok - when you read this, you will think “well that sounds like complete bull-shit.” And to be honest, I also thought that at first. But I was desperate to try anything that helps, so I gave this a shot. Here’s how it works…
Step 1: Notice your brain is ruminating.
Step 2: Take your thumb and press it against the pad of one of your fingers (I use my right thumb and middle finger, for absolutely no reason).
Step 3: Focus all your attention on the physical sensation of your thumb and finger squeezing together.
Step 4: Take a deep breath, and say inside your head “these thoughts are not reality”.
Step 5: Repeat EVERY TIME you notice a rumination happening. Sometimes you’ll notice immediately…sometimes you’ll be 10 minutes into the dialogue.
Why does this do anything? Yeah, that’s a pretty valid question. The squeeze trick is a way of manipulating how our brain develops habits. There is a 3-part cycle to creating habits. Cue, routine, reward. This is something that I plan to expand upon in a later post, but I’ll give you the cliff notes here. All habits (good or bad) start with a cue. Let’s take the “old” habit of future-prediction, for example.
Cue - noticing my brain is ruminating.
Routine - allowing myself to indulge in the rumination, without suppression.
Reward (well, I should say the “desired” reward) - a feeling of resolution and calm.
This “resolution and calm” never really happens, obviously But it was the reward I was looking for.
Now, let’s establish the “new” habit. The cue and the reward MUST be the same. Otherwise, your brain won’t properly overwrite the old habit (because it doesn’t have the same context as the old habit anymore). So...
Cue - noticing my brain is ruminating.
Routine - focus on a physical stimuli to redirect your attention.
Reward - a feeling of resolution and calm.
In this case, the sense of resolution comes from taking control of your thoughts. The sense of calm comes from taking a pause, and breathing. I’m fully aware that this seems like an overly simplified method…and in some ways, it is. But it’s effective, because you can do it anywhere and anytime. You don’t always have a pen and paper. But you can always use the squeeze trick.
3 - Address real issues
Finally, if you have a reoccurring rumination, it's likely indicating that you need to address a problem. So, give yourself time to write out your thoughts, take a deep breath, and actually talk to the other person. Figure out what’s causing the stress, and work through the problem together. Chances are, the other person is either just unaware of the tension, or they feel it as well. So, even if the conversation is difficult, it is almost always worth having.
I hope this helps even one person. Again, if you are experiencing negative rumination or any other depressive symptoms on a consistent basis - please seek help. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists are there to HELP you with these exact problems. There is no need to allow these harmful thoughts to go unchecked.
With love,
Stephen